University of California Irvine Writing AP Project Draft – Excelsior Writers | excelsiorwriters.com
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Requirement for draft 2
This should be a full draft of your AP assignment. (2500-3000 words total)
For peer review, we are going to focus on that intro paragraph, the purpose statement (or thesis), and talk through some of organizational aspects of the paper. Just like last time, you will be assigned two papers to peer review. Your comments should be done by next Wednesday (during week 9). Remember that I will not give written comments for this draft.
Here are guiding questions for your peer review:
- Is the intro relevant to the overall argument? This is not the time to give personal anecdotes. Jump right into the main issue! (an example from a news article would be acceptable if it is very closely related and appropriate for the audience/genre)
- Does the intro claim that the topic is important and timely? How effective are their claims?
- Does the intro mention the rewards of changing the policy or consequences for failing to change the policy? Either one of these might be a way to justify the main argument.
- Does the intro acknowledge the various perspectives in the current conversation that you are joining?
- Can you tell that this intro is written for a particular kind of audience? What are their characteristics? Are there elements of the intro that seem mismatched for the audience, topic, or genre?
- Does the author give a clear purpose statement (this is like the thesis)? In other words, can you tell exactly what policy should change? It is VERY IMPORTANT that each paper argues for ONE specific policy change that is clear and measurable.
- The early paragraphs should (probably) give background information or explain the current state of the problem.
- Does each piece of information relate to the overall purpose of the paper?
- Does the author explain thoroughly how each piece of information relates to the purpose of the paper?
- Is the paper clearly making a policy argument, or does it look like this might end up being another CP?
- Does each sentence (and idea) follow the given-new contract?
- Does the overall organization of the paper make sense? Does each paragraph build on the previous paragraph, or do they seem randomly patched together?
- Are the quotes formatted correctly? Does the writer avoid unnecessarily long quotations by limiting to only the most relevant sentences and phrases?
- Can you tell the difference between the writer’s voice/opinions, and those of the sources? In other words, does the paper react to the quotes (explain them, question them, build on them), or just drop them in as if they were facts?
- Does the author do a good job of incorporating multimodal elements (graphs, charts, images, videos, etc.)?
- Based on what you have read, what is the strongest part of the paper so far? What is the most confusing part or the part that you have questions about?
- Does the conclusion restate the main purpose of the argument, explaining why it is important for this particular audience?
- Does the conclusion emphasize the benefits of this solution in a broader sense? How will this solution impact the population or culture beyond its main target group? What are the broader implications of making this kind of change?
Feedback from the first draft (Must read)
In this draft, it is clear that you want to advocate for physical exercise as a solution for the obesity epidemic, which is a reasonable start for this paper. The way that you can transform this so that it better fulfills the requirements for the AP is to choose a specific organization or group where this change needs to happen. So, you might choose to argue for more required gym classes in public high schools (or elementary schools), for example. That would allow you to do something more complex and that showcases more research than what you have here. Because you still have almost two weeks until the final is due, I am confident that you have time to further refine your topic so that it is framed as a specific political or social issue that can be solved by some kind of official policy change.
When you talk about the solution, make sure that you give evidence for using this solution (for example, where else have these kinds of solutions been successful?) and go into depth about how the solution will be carried out (what are the steps for implementation, who will be involved, how much will it cost, how will it be funded, who will be in charge of enforcing or regulating it, etc.) Most of your new research should address these various aspects of the solution.
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